That Never Happened

I don't remember these things, but I'm told I did them.

My sister says that she was sleeping on the floor waaaaaay back when she was still in middle school. I was supposed to wake her up for something but when I tried she was pretty much in a coma. She says that I shook her, almost violently, but she still wouldn't wake up. She tells me that at that point I went and got a pillow, laid it next to her sleeping body, and kicked her through it. She woke up then.

Katie tells me that back in the second semester of freshman english in high school (That class was such a joke. Teacher had the laziest eye ever and didn't know jack shit about any of the material. Rumor has it that Katie's tendancey to be outspoken about our teacher's shortcomings contributed greatly to her resignation. *applause* but I digress...) when I sat in front of her, that one day I turned around without saying anything, took a bite of the sandwich that was sitting on her desk, put it back on the desk, and turned back around to return to what I was working on. Now, at that point, Katie and I were familiar with who each other were, but we didn't really know a whole lot about each other, making my taking a bite of her sandwich without saying anything a)rude and b)bizarre as hell. I wish I could say that I would never do that, but I wouldn't put it past my 15 year-old self. I was a weird kid...

Questions, Comments, and Concerns

The little notes printed on the inside of the wrappers on dove chocolates make me want to go on a hulk-like rampage just to offset the lame false-happiness those things are supposed to instill in the people who eat them. I think I'm alone in this one, but I only ever have two reactions to what those things tell me: 1) FUCK YOU! and 2) Oh puh-LEEZE. Who writes that shit?

Do left-handed people jerk off with their left hand or the right?

The noodle-alfredo-crab meat dish that my roommate makes all the time? I just tried it and I can't understand why anyone would put that in their mouth more than once. Eew.

I'm driving myself crazy with listening to the same 40 or so songs all the time. Soon I'll be on the hunt for a new favorite, until I wear that out, too. I need to start using a little moderation.

This one time, I found a dead woodpecker on the inner sidewalk of the humanities building. I think about it every time I pass that spot, and can't help but feeling I missed a really good opportunity to do something memorable. Not quite sure what.

My sister thinks it's hilarious to tell me I have a lisp. I don't think I do. However, she'll tell me to recite certain words with a lot of S sounds and then she'll burst out laughing until I get really paranoid. Now I'm paranoid about it all the time.

Currently, my kitchen lacks the following necessities: bread, milk, cereal (no, bran flakes do NOT count), and corn dogs. And the chicken in the freezer is labeled "DON'T EAT THIS IT'S MINE". Psh.

Working in a grocery store, I know that there are more than a few people out there with moderate to severe cases of lazy-eye. Should these people really be driving?

I found a little plastic ninja by the toaster the other morning. I think it was one of the coolest things that's happened to me in a long time. I keep him thumb-tacked to my cork board.

The federal reserve is going to try, yet again, to get the American public to use dollar coins with the release of a new design this coming Thursday. Every three months after that a new president will appear on the coin, in the order in which they served. To this I say: HAHAHA

I think I'm shedding. After I vacuumed my room yesterday, I had to give the vacuum cleaner attachment a haircut. It was gross.

Freaky dreams bother me for a while. Here's the most recent: My mother makes my sister and I take off our shoes in the snow, go steal someone else's off their feet, and then kill them for their car. Repeatedly.

My art class is a joke. Seriously.

21 Things Learned in 21 Years

1. Sometimes it's OK to make an entirely selfish decision.
2. Beer in the shower is a good idea.
3. Avoid working in retail.
4. When you play an instrument and play it well, it permanently and beneficially rewires your brain.
5. I am incapable of getting a tan, and I no longer care.
6. We all look the same.
7. I will never be able to understand why people mistreat each other, especially loved ones.
8. Some pets are irreplaceable family members. Others are just animals.
9. Instincts occur for a reason.
10. Crunchy peanut butter beats smooth, sharp cheddar beats mild, al dente pasta is better than fully cooked, and any kind of chocolate is OK.
11. Drinking is more fun with friends. And attractive people.
12. God will NOT kill the kittens, so go ahead and have your fun.
13. Religious doctrine is a good idea but a bad habit.
14. The world of spices is not limited to salt and pepper.
15. Silence is OK.
16. If you haven't got a sense of humor, you're totally screwed.
17. Avoid crazy people.
18. The aging process is not a bad thing, and gray hair is pretty.
19. Nothing feels quite as good as skin on skin.
20. You must vote.
21. Growing things, like in a garden, makes you wonder.

Laying Some Ground Rules

I've been in this ridiculous apartment for four and a half months now, and apparently I come from another planet because there are certain things that I feel are punishable offenses which don't seem to bother my other roommates.

Let me lay it out for you, ladies.

1. Changing the toilet paper roll will not cause brain damage. I PROMISE. Also, what the hell is wrong with you? The bathroom is so small that you can literally get a new roll and throw out the old one without actually lifting your ass of the seat. So DO IT already.

2. Opening a Guinness, drinking half, putting it back in the fridge, and then drinking a little more the next day, and putting it back in the fridge once again is an insult to the brewer and a crime against humanity. If you can't handle the stuff, leave it to me. I'll take care of it. Just please, stop ruining beer when I'm around. You wanna ruin a beer, grab a Miller Lite.

3. Also on the subject of beer: it goes bad. It's in its nature. Therefore, you MUST drink it within eight weeks of buying it. After that, I no longer consider it fresh. So don't insult my palatte by even drinking stale (and cheap *shudder*) beer in this house.

4. Get your damn cat spayed. Next time she goes into heat and keeps us all up at night with her yowling is the day I "accidentally" leave the front door open for her to "accidentally" escape from.

5. Stop buying plain-ass bran flakes. Those are for old people who have colon issues, not 20 year old women. Furthermore, stop buying bran flakes and then eating the tasty stuff that I buy. Not cool.

6. On the horrid subject of dishes: I admit fully that I suck for not doing them by myself. However, I have made it very clear that I would be more than willing to help you guys when you've started to do a load. That said, stop doing ALL the dishes and then complaining that I didn't help. I can't see you doing the dishes on the second floor when I'm in my room on the third floor. So call me downstairs! Duh!

7. Keeping maple syrup in the refrigerator makes no sense to me. This is a kind of trivial thing, I know, but why would you keep something that you put on hot food (pancakes/waffles) in a cold place? It just makes the pancakes/waffles cold when you put it on! And it coagulates in the fridge. Gross.

And that's my rant.