The Importance of Being Earnest

Historically, I have been one to keep my feelings to myself, only allowing people to see the happier side of myself. I functioned rather well this way for quite some time, as I'm sure that many people do. I never told anyone when I didn't like what they were doing or how I was feeling because I was afraid that one of two things (or both I suppose) would happen. First, that they would simply not care and my thoughts would fall on deaf ears. I absolutely hate telling someone how I feel or what I'm thinking and they just could not care any less about it. Second, that they would see my being upset as an opportunity to purposely get under my skin and have a good laugh at my being angry. It's happened more than once, and not just by people who I'm not related to. My dad did this a LOT when I was growing up and will still do it every once in a while.

But recently I realized that I wasn't only hiding sadness or anger, I had also grown uncomfortable with expressing such things as appreciation and thankfulness and even love, neglecting to tell the people who are important to me that they were, indeed, important to me. I hadn't been both serious and happy, even when it was appropriate. I consider this a travesty.

It's been a couple months since I realized this and since then have made an effort to let people know how I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it, especially when it involves them.

For example, I tell one of my closest friends the moment she makes me angry or does or says anything that I don't like. She does the same thing and because of this we have managed to avoid probably countless rounds of the silent treatment (though we're both above that, I'm sure) or being privately upset and not having anything done about it. For this reason, among many others, I value that relationship very highly.

Another example that I'm very glad to have is an exchange between my mother and I this past Thanksgiving weekend. She treated me to a massive load of groceries that I very well could have afforded on my own, and I didn't expect her to pay for the entire thing. I'd asked for help paying for them before we even got to the store (which is something that is VERY difficult for me) but she ended up paying for all of it, and I know that it wasn't easy for her. I'm almost positive that I was the one who was more able to pay for them than her. So I made sure to let her know, in plain English, in a serious tone, that I appreciated what she had done for me. Of course I said "Thank you" (twice, actually) but I made a point to say "Thank you for doing this. I really appreciate it." She told me "You're welcome, and I know you do."

I cannot describe how good that felt to not only make sure that I had gotten to say that, but to then be told that even without my saying it that it had been understood. It was one of those things that I would have regretted not saying and I know that even though the polite response to it was to brush the whole thing off as no big deal and yeah I know you appreciate it, but I can guarantee that it meant more than I can say to my mother to have heard me say it exactly as I had.

I don't know which is more difficult for me. Telling people when I'm unhappy or telling them something positive but serious. Both are scary and when the other person doesn't respond the way I'd expect or like them to I tend to see it as an "I don't care about what you just told me" response, which I'm sure isn't true all the time. Ah, well. That's an area for growth I suppose.

Another thing that's hard about this is that not everyone around me is doing the same thing. Dealing with people who are perfectly happy not to say these types of things can create awkward moments and that really sucks. Also, when I have something I'd like to say to someone but I know (or believe) that they wouldn't care or would react badly I get really frustrated and dwell on it, because now it has turned into somewhat of a priority for me to be able to do this when I feel I should. I'm not planning on turning into someone who hugs people every time I see them, or ruining a perfectly normal visit with someone by presenting a very awkward "I love you" but there are times when how I feel is important and I intend on letting those times be known.

One thing I'm dreading about the outcome here is that it may show me that some people who I consider myself to be close with may not be as interested as I'd like about how I'm feeling, be it good or badly. But when it comes down to it, here's what I think:

How my friends are feeling and what they have to say is important to me. If they're upset with me, I want to know about it ASAP so that we can deal with it like adults. If they're happy about something I want to hear all about it and share that with them. I want them to know I don't take them for granted and I want to know that they don't take me for granted. That's how I treat the people close to me. If someone, however, makes it clear to me that what I'm thinking or feeling as a result of being with them isn't something they're concerned with then I think it's obvious that there would be a problem there.

Doing something new like this is never easy, and it's probably a sign that I'm growing up a little more. It's getting easier, though, and unless something really awful happens as a result of this whole experiment, I think it's going to do good things for me.