On Weight

(from 20 June 2006)

I'm getting sick of everyone I know being so confused as to why I'm so sensitive about my weight.

I used to weigh about 115 or 120. Now I'm between 130 and 135. I realize that it's a pretty healthy weight for a woman my age and height to be, but I was underweight my whole life and adjusting has not been fun. Gaining weight like that doesn't just make you go up a pants size. It does things to your body that suck. Your skin stretches out and you aren't as smooth and firm as you used to be. And the thing I hate most about it is seeing people I haven't seen since I was 120 lbs. A couple of examples come to mind.

When my dad came to pick me up from my first semester at Madison he walked into the lobby of my dorm where I was waiting for him with all my friends from my floor. Everything was normal unti lwe got in the car alone and my dad did a complete personality U-turn.

"Oh my GOD, Catherine, what has happened to you?!"
"What?"
"Look at you! You must've gained like 30 lbs this semester!"
"What--no I haven't!"
"When I walked in and saw you sitting there I wanted to scream and point at your stomach! Look at it! It's like there's half a basketball strapped to your midsection!"
"Dad. Shut up."
"Seriously! I would have screamed, too, if your friends weren't there. I'll bet your pants are getting tighter, aren't they? Aren't they?"
"Well, yeah..."
"Jesus, Catherine, I cannoth believe this. How much do you weigh now?"
"I don't know."
"C'mon."
"Seriously, I don't know."
"I'll bet you weigh 160 pounds."
"What?! I do not!"
"I'll bet you do! 160, that's my guess. As soon as we get home we're putting you on the scale."
"Dad..."
"If you keep this up you're going to be the floor heifer! A real porker! No one's going to want to talk to you."

Eventually he picked up on the fact that I was really hurt by what he was saying and shut the hell up. Then, after I'd thoroughly developed a body image complex and felt like crap trapped in a car with the most important man in my life and wanted to shrivel up, he asks if he can take me out to dinner. Yeah. As if I felt like looking at food right then. After comparing my body to livestock he expected me to sit with him and have a meal. It was awful. I had to force every bite down.

Oh, and he wasn't joking about putting me on the scale. As soon as I had set my bags down he went to get it and set it down in the middle of the living room so HE could read it, too.

The magic number? 142.

Then over winter break of this past school year I got a call from my old boss saying they could use some help with inventory. I jumped at tthe chance to make some extra money. When I walked in one of my old coworkers looked at me like I was a complete stranger. Then she exclaimed "Oh! Catherine! I didn't recognize you! You gained weight!" I didn't really know how to respond to a comment like that. What do you say when someone you worked with for two years doesn't recognize you because of how much fatter you've gotten? I think I went with something like "Um, yeah..." and after a hug and an uncomfortable pause she added "That's OK, you needed it. So how've you been?!"

Later, my boss's husband, who does the book keeping, came in. He's a retired chemist and is about 75 or 80. We were all eating lunch, talking about this and that when all of a sudden he says, "Catherine, you look different. Have you put on a few pounds?" I blushed and said "Um, yeah..." again and looked around awkwardly. He said "Mm hmm...well, you look good...doesnt' she look good everyone?" to which there was the expected "Oh! Yeah, of course!" from everyone who was there.

Now do you get it?