(from 1 July 2006)

It's now been a year since last summer's scandal at work. It hasn't even been mentioned since last July but when it happened no one would shut up about it.

I've thought about it plenty, though, especially this time of year. I don't know if I would make the same decision if I knew then what I know now. I mean I probably would, but the consequences were so unforeseen to me that for a long time I regretted what I did. I didn't get support on it from anyone, save a few people. Even my dad thought it was an unwise decision.

I think I'll always remain at least a little divided on whether or not I did the right thing. Or at least whether or not it was worth it.

* * * * *

A list of things I wish I were:
-more flexible (physically)
-more political
-well read
-good with kids
-aggressive (sometimes)
-better at taking aggression
-slightly thinner
-athletic
-really good at a hobby
-less annoying

* * * * *

I envy my friend Alex for her home. An average sized place in Oak Park, Illinois, with a dog, an average-looking back yard, and an enormous high school not too far away.

From the second I stepped foot in that house, though, I wanted to be a part of that family. We pulled up to her house after dark and I was carrying a duffle bag or two and it was pretty quiet until we got inside. Alex's dad was the first one to meet us and they hugged and kissed each other, making me feel immediately out of place. That NEVER happens in my house. Alex's mom was the next one to com einto the living room. She, too, hugged and kissed Alex, but then she hugged me, too! As if I was the one returning home or was an old friend of the family. I liked it a lot but it didn't come naturally for me like it did for Alex and Tyler, who'd come along, too. We moved into the kitchen wher ethere was steak dinner waiting for us (wrecked lent, again...), which was delicoius, as well as Alex's two younger sisters. Wait no. One of the two was there. The other came later. Anyway, her neighbors were also there having dinner (that never happens at my house, ,either) and Alex's sister had a friend over (also never happens). I can't say I've ever felt more welcome anywhere in my entire life. The whole place was alive and no one there wanted to be anywhere else.

How amazing it must be to have all that to go back to anytime. A house with an entire, loving family.

Having seen that for a weekend made me want to have my own family in Oak Park. Nice neighborhood near a beautiful city (Chicago) and lake Michigan, still close to Wisconsin.

I realize that the location has nothing to do with why those people are so happy. If I had visited them in Eau Claire or Oconomowoc, I'd be fantasizing about living there instead.

Anyway, the point is that it was beautiful and I want it. Badly.